


Yang or: The Inner Workings of a Young God

by LucyInTheSkye



Series: Sirius x Remus [32]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Aftercare, Body Image, Body Worship, Chemistry, Cuddling & Snuggling, Declarations Of Love, Dialogue Heavy, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Nipple Play, Oral Fixation, Oral Sex, Past Child Abuse, Porn with Feelings, Rimming, Scars, Self-Esteem Issues, Working Through Sexual Incompatibility
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:53:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23013568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucyInTheSkye/pseuds/LucyInTheSkye
Summary: February 1980. Four and a half hours later and Sirius is still watching over him.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Sirius x Remus [32]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1483745
Comments: 4
Kudos: 85





	Yang or: The Inner Workings of a Young God

**Author's Note:**

> Direct continuation of the last part of this series.

“How do you feel about me?” Remus asked. 

“I love you.”

“Mmm, but how does it feel?”

Sirius dumped his lover on the bed, then sat down with him and rebuttoned two of the buttons in his pyjamas. He must have missed one before. He could feel heat radiating from Remus’s body, could feel it expand underneath the fabric, his lungs drawing air and exhaling. It made Sirius’s dick twitch but he ignored it and tried to focus on what it was Remus needed from him. 

Remus looked pretty tonight, and he seemed happy and at ease. His expressive eyes were smiling and curious as they looked for answers. Sirius looked into them, watched the golden brown and the specks of pale blue inside, watched the thick, pale eyelashes and the crow’s feet that framed them. He didn’t look particularly tired although it was the middle of the night. They had fucked for hours and then Remus had slept for another good few hours. Sirius had held him, had watched how Remus’s eyelids fluttered when he dreamt, had felt how Remus’s legs occasionally kicked out reflexively. Remus had held his hand and he had sometimes sniffed Sirius’s neck in his sleep. He had gotten hard twice, and both times he had clung so desperately to Sirius that he had been certain he’d climax and wake up from it. He hadn’t, had calmed back down and slept on. He had woken up only when a muggle car alarm went off outside.

“What it feels like?” Sirius repeated thoughtfully.

He disliked it when Remus wanted it rough, like he had earlier. There wasn’t anything he could do about it, except make sure it was all safe. When Remus woke up Sirius had healed every bruise and washed every inch of Remus’s skin in the bath, had dressed him and fed him and rolled a spliff for him and changed the sheets in the bed. Remus had been sleepy and pliable and loose from the sex, meaning he had let Sirius help him. He had also ensured Sirius twice that he had loved it, truly. All the bad words and the bruises and the fist up his bum. That it was exactly what he had needed.

“Yeah. Is it just a vague feeling or do you feel it manifests itself somehow? For me, it’s almost like relaxation. I can finally let go of the anxious bits. My body relaxes and just… And just wants you to have it, really.”

The blue swirls inside Remus’s eyes seemed to move as he cracked up and laughed, a warm thing that was just a little bit self-conscious. Maybe that last protective layer never truly left him.

“I reckon I know what you mean,” Sirius said, although he wasn’t sure if he did. He did love Remus, though, and Remus could do with more good words after all the times Sirius had called him a filthy slag earlier.

“Yeah?” Remus took his arms and pulled him down on top of him. Sirius was ever so careful when he put his weight down, uncomfortably aware of how bruised Remus had been between his legs not an hour ago. And there had been a purpling thing on his neck, too, and his lips had been a little too swollen from all the kissing. Sirius had fixed it all with a tap or two from his wand, but the memory remained fresh and disagreeable. 

Remus’s eyes gleamed as though he knew what Sirius was thinking, as if he thought he was being silly. Remus stroked his waist and back, then spread his legs and ground against him. Sirius kissed his forehead carefully.

“Yeah. I want to keep you warm and comfortable. Keep you safe, make sure you never feel bad about yourself. About anything.”

Sirius felt Remus still as he listened, felt around in himself for more.

“Want to make sure you have a full belly. Food and… Healthy things and all the treats you want. Chocolate and beer and pot. And I want to give you orgasms, every time you get hard I want to take care of it, make you feel good, drink your come or feel it wet my fingers. Hug you and kiss you and cradle you to sleep, feel you breathe against my neck or feel your heart beat, it’s – it’s precious.”

Sirius swallowed and he noticed that Remus’s eyes were shiny, now, wet. His cheeks were pink.

“Kiss away your tears, I want you to feel like you never have to hide. I’ll want you no matter what.”

“You and your fucking words,” Remus croaked, a tear spilling although he was laughing, too. Sirius hurried to kiss the hot wet skin, to lick into every groove and wrinkle. Gave Remus’s grinning mouth a playful lick and kiss, too. Salty and delicious and Remus.

“I want to buy you things. Give you things. Books. Cover you in gold and diamonds.”

Remus hiccoughed, then began to giggle. Sirius stopped to look at him and frowned. He had been sure, once he saw how wet Remus’s eyes got, that he had passed the test. That he had said the right thing, that he had managed to convey that he truly did love Remus. But now he had apparently said the wrong thing anyway, like he was bound to do. He didn’t know, did he, about feelings. It had taken him years to distinguish anything but anger and joy from the muddle in his head. Years of hard-learned self-discovery, trial and error. Years of being in love and not understanding that that’s what it was. 

Fortunately, it appeared he had now said something that was funny and not hurtful. He couldn’t bear the thought of ever hurting Remus again.

“I’m not a girl!” Remus got out between his sniggers, and Sirius smiled back although he didn’t get it. Gender had never interested him much as a concept, but he had figured that maybe it was the same as vinegar on chips or bondage or cats. He didn’t see the appeal, but apparently other people did and he mustn’t judge.

Sirius pushed his hands into Remus’s hair and massaged his scalp while he calmed down from his laughter.

“Mmm, that’s nice,” Remus whispered, arching his neck towards Sirius’s fingers. Sirius felt that soft, warm thing spread in his midriff and redoubled his efforts.

“You’re perfect,” Sirius told him carefully, supple fingers combing through soft curls and rubbing ever so gently against the scalp. Remus hit him with the look, then, the look that was scared and confused and filled with that hateful disbelief. Sirius wanted to roar every time he saw it, wanted to shake his lover, wanted to force-feed him legilimency so that maybe, finally, he could see what Sirius saw. It gnawed horribly at Sirius, this inexplicable inability of his lover’s. His lover was gorgeous, every inch of him, and yet he didn’t see it no matter how many times Sirius pointed it out to him. 

“Your hair feels like spun sugar or like little wisps of cloud,” Sirius said, twisting a soft curl around his index finger and admiring the light, golden brown gleam in it. He looked back into Remus’s eyes and attempted to stare down the bewilderment that mingled with self-deprecation. “Soft and shiny but looks more like gold or brass.” 

“It’s brown and it's going gr-.” 

Sirius shut him up with a stern look. 

“Your eyes are like stunning Welsh landscape paintings. Abundant muddy wheat fields and pale blue skies in August. And you’ve got the best freckles ever, better than Evans, and yes I will fight James over this.”

Remus gave him a tentative smile.

“Your lips taste like honey. Tasting them is like going straight to the source of all the kindness in the world, where everything is good and sweet and intelligent.”

Sirius had a taste then, gave the soft, flavourful lips a kiss. Remus opened up for him and moaned, that spectacular, fervent keen that Sirius didn’t think he could live without anymore. He had more and more straight from Remus’s tongue, lapped it all up and swallowed with uncommon greed. He eventually let Remus have some air, held a hand comfortingly on his ribcage to check the movement while he busied his mouth with Remus’s fine, delicate neck. There were a handful of freckles there, like little crumbs of chocolate for him to kiss. 

“’M hard again,” Remus muttered, mostly to himself but of course Sirius was right there, kissing his neck with all the care he possessed. He was glad he had thought to shave, glad he could do this without leaving marks. Just pleasure now, just appreciation.

“Does your dick feel sore?”

“You used that bruise-healing spell on it too, earlier,” Remus said, sounding both exasperated and amused. “Fat chance of me ever feeling sore after sex when you’ve got your wand handy.”

“You were rubbing it against the mattress,” Sirius explained with patience he didn’t really possess, but was trying to learn for Remus’s sake. “You came six times, didn’t you, and you rubbed it raw against the sheets. It certainly looked red, especially the glans, they looked like a thick cut of uncooked beef.”

Remus spluttered and flushed a gorgeous bright colour. He was a bit of a prude when it came to language, which Sirius had been aware of ever since they were boys. Fortunately, Remus the man was no prude when it came to sex acts. Sirius placed a lingering kiss on one of the pink cheeks.

“Let’s see.”

Sirius grabbed hold of his lover’s pyjamas and got it off in no time. Remus blushed more and more, face and torso forming a veritable sunset of reds, which should have been hilarious considering Sirius saw him naked every day. Somehow, this persisting distress of his was never very funny to Sirius.

“Looks nice and healthy now, but I have to check with you, don’t I? I’m taking care of you. Need to make sure you don’t feel any more discomfort than you have to.”

Remus’s hand spasmed and grabbed a guilty hold of his own hip. Sirius’s heart felt as if it had been dropped into a bowl of ice. He looked decisively into Remus’s eyes, made sure his lover looked back at him.

“No need to hide that anymore, and certainly not from me. It’s a bit of scar tissue and that’s it. I like holding you there and kissing you there and licking up and down the tears just the same as any other bit of your skin.”

Remus didn’t respond, and Sirius wasn’t sure if he had heard him or not.

“Just a scar,” Sirius tried again. Remus’s head twitched, whether a nod or a headshake was anybody’s guess. “It’s not a problem, and it doesn’t make you any less attractive. The problem is the curse, but we’re dealing with it as best we can, aren’t we? You’d tell me if there was something more I could do, wouldn’t you?”

“There’s nothing more, you’re already…” Remus swallowed away something heavy and tried to look him in the eye and smile. Sirius smiled back. “I don’t think there’s a werewolf alive that gets treated as well as I do, and that’s thanks to you.”

“You and the wolf,” Sirius corrected him gently, although in all honesty he wasn’t sure if it was his place to correct Remus on this. Maybe it was tactless. Sirius did know them both so well though, both Remus and the wolf. Loved them both, even.

Remus kissed him, careful and sweet and Sirius felt that lovely honey on his tongue again. Remus’s erection had shrunk, wasn’t fat against Sirius’s belly anymore. It usually did this when the scar was bared or brought up for conversation, and Sirius was yet to figure out a way to get his lover to stop worrying about it. 

“I want to get off,” Remus said quietly into his mouth. “I know I’ve already… And six times, too, you say, but… Tell me if you’re not in the mood, of course we don’t have to, but I’m still…”

“Seven’s a magical number, isn’t it?” Sirius muttered into Remus’s soft lips, “and eight is something good for the Chinese, innit?”

“What do you know, maybe you’re not just a pretty face?”

Sirius laughed and stroked Remus over his soft belly, then up to his chest. He was flat and skinny there, bone too close to the surface. He had the most sensitive little nipples Sirius had ever encountered, though, and he barely had to graze the areola with a finger for Remus to gasp and squirm and there, up against Sirius’s abs was suddenly an eager, fat erection that wasn’t his own.

“All your bits feel good?” Sirius asked diligently, circling his finger around one stiff, greatly aroused nipple. Remus was trying to push his chest further into his hand and it took a bit of effort to keep teasing him. 

“Good as new,” Remus replied, sounding mild which meant he was keeping rather a lot of annoyance out of his voice. 

Sirius grinned and brushed a thumb over the nipple. Remus swore at him.

“These are adorable.”

“Fuck you!”

“So sensitive.”

“Absolute wanker. Just touch them already!”

“I love touching your nips,” Sirius assured him, kissed him and moved down his body. He latched on to one with his mouth and kept his fingers on the other one, felt how hard and swollen they were. He rubbed his tongue over and over the little rosebud and he could feel Remus’s heart thumping from underneath. It was as good as it got, he thought. Remus alive and healthy and getting pleasured. 

Remus stroked his hands through Sirius’s hair, gathered the long black tendrils up and pulled it to press him further down. The movement left his armpits partially exposed and Sirius found himself breathing much more deeply. He had forgotten to put deodorant on Remus before he dressed him and now he could get high on the unimpaired smell of his lover’s body. He released the nipple and nosed his way underneath one of Remus’s arms, kissed and licked the sensitive skin and the coarse hair he encountered.

“You’re such a dog,” Remus whispered, still twisting his fingers in Sirius’s hair and letting Sirius taste him there. It was absolutely intoxicating. Bitter and tangy and salty and Remus. 

Sirius hummed in agreement before he reluctantly withdrew. Remus was hard and needy for him and he was supposed to take care of him. He wanted to take care of him.

“Blowie or rimjob?” 

Remus looked shocked and he blushed resoundingly at the words. Sirius bent down while he waited to kiss his navel, to lick into it and to feel his lover squirm.

“Sirius, you had your _fist_ in me earlier,” Remus said quietly. “Surely you don’t want to… I mean, it’s bound to look gross and… And saggy.”

Sirius, who had been worried for a second that his lover was still sore down there despite what Remus had said, now felt his hackles rise instead.

“It does not,” he said emphatically, trying his best to keep the anger masking some much deeper concern out. “It’s just dirty talk, Remus, that you’re loose. I say it ‘cause it gets you off.”

“I know that,” Remus said quickly, and Sirius could have told from a mile away that he was lying. His heart felt sore and vulnerable as he scrambled for words that couldn’t be misinterpreted. Words Remus couldn’t second-guess later on at his own leisure.

“You’re perfectly healthy, inside and out,” Sirius began confidently. “You’re pink and shiny inside, strong muscle all along the walls in there. They’ve gotten a lot stronger from what they were when we started shagging, incidentally. They’re the ones you can squeeze yourself, when I’m inside and you squeeze it’s like being inside a fucking straitjacket, only good. And wet, and warm.”

Sirius stared his lover down and Remus sucked ferociously on his bottom lip, but didn’t look away.

“There’s a tight sphincter inside that needs to be worked really carefully each time. It’s so strong, but that’s the one you can fuck up if you’re not careful. If you just shove inside without working it loose, first. You relax really well, though, it’s not that difficult to get you warmed up enough that you’re good for it.”

“It’s easy for you. Because it’s you,” Remus said quietly.

“Mmm. I love opening you up. Then your rim, that needs a bit of foreplay, too. Needs care, as well, or it will end up this swollen, puckered-up thing.”

Remus got bright red again and Sirius petted him gently over his belly. His dick was still hard and reaching up the side of his belly.

“But we’re being careful,” Sirius continued. “It’s gorgeous and tiny and pink. Full of good nerve endings that you like getting stimulation on. I love kissing it and touching it for you. And you get off on penetration, so that’s fine, that’s why we do that as much as you want. Or, within reason, because I don’t know if the spells I’m using to take away bruising will work indefinitely or not. So rough penetration means you only get oral for the next day or two, just like we’ve been doing up until now. I thought you knew this already.”

Remus bit his lip and Sirius wanted to chastise him for it. There wasn’t supposed to be any biting, any pain at all for the rest of the night.

“We’ll give your insides a rest, but I’m happy to lick and tongue the outside a bit, if you want me to, because that doesn’t hurt you at all. It’ll be lovely and tight again soon, might be already, but it does relax and stay relaxed for a bit after I’ve worked it open. Doesn’t mean it's becoming loose, or _saggy_.” Sirius spat the last word out with some anger. 

“Okay.” 

Remus was still bright red in the face and Sirius sighed and tried to get rid of the disquiet he felt for his lover’s head. How could Remus think that he wouldn’t be careful when it was Remus’s body? Remus’s body was God, as far as Sirius was concerned. He had learnt patience and care explicitly for this, because this was the first thing he had been given that really, truly mattered.

“How about I eat you out first, then suck you off?”

“Yes please,” Remus said, and he did sound happy. Sirius nodded approvingly and reached for a pillow. He moved down his lover’s body, giving his rigid cock a quick kiss on the way. Remus made a soft noise and got up on his elbows, and Sirius felt quite elated when he realized that Remus wanted to watch. That was more like it.

“Going to watch your beautiful slut put his mouth on your arsehole?” Sirius asked seductively while he worked the pillow in under his lover’s bum. 

Remus’s cheeks gained more colour, but he didn’t look away. He looked eager, Sirius thought, like he was quite hungry for a pornographic little show. Sirius winked at him, then opened his legs a bit wider and bent down.

“Mmm…” Sirius swiped his tongue all over the vulnerable, pink area, tasted clean skin and felt the sparse hairs between Remus’s legs tickle him. He heard Remus sigh in relief and his heart clenched uncomfortably from the implication. 

The hole was tiny and smooth and a little bit redder than normal, a little more tired-looking than normal. It was fine, though, Sirius knew it would bounce back soon enough just like it always did when they did a lot of anal in short succession. Besides, there was something about how well-used and defenceless it looked right now that made warm feelings bubble up within Sirius. He had words for the feelings, too, knew it was love he felt. He hadn’t always known, hadn’t always been able to identify it, but that was a thing of the past.

“I love your little hole,” Sirius whispered between Remus’s legs, then he kissed it. It gave a little even though he wasn’t exactly pressing in, and he let his tongue come out and massage it. It felt nice, the little spasms and the soft flutters, but he didn’t go in. This was about comfort and adoration, nothing less.

Remus reached his head with his hand and Sirius hummed appreciatively when he felt his lover’s long fingers stroke his hair, playfully pinch his ear.

“You’re gonna make me come like that.”

“Yeah?” Sirius leant his face against the smooth inside of Remus’s thigh. Remus was leaning on one elbow and had his head tilted in a delicate, birdlike way while he watched. 

“Feels nice,” Remus said quietly and smiled a little guardedly. “What does it taste like?”

“Soap,” Sirius said, bringing his hand up to stroke the inside of Remus’s other thigh. The skin was soft and pale and there were a few stretchmarks and three freckles there. “Clean, warm skin. Tastes like you.”

“Doesn’t sound too bad,” Remus said, although he managed to say it like it was a question.

“It’s the best,” Sirius said. “Well, second best.”

They both looked at Remus’s dick, which heaved once, left all on its own on Remus’s belly. 

“It’s really hot to watch you, when you… You know.”

“When I give head?” Sirius said with a grin. Remus’s cheeks were so pretty when they were pink. “You like watching me snog your messy little dickhead?”

Remus nodded and pulled just a little on Sirius’s ear. Sirius’s grin got wider, and he let himself be pulled up by the ear, let himself be deposited further up between Remus’s legs.

“You like seeing me like this?”

Sirius took Remus’s dick and put the head on his tongue, which he’d stuck out of his mouth like an excitable dog. He felt a rush of moisture and he tried to grin at Remus, even though that was easier said than done in his current position. Remus held his face and watched, his eyes a thrilling mix of timid and ravenous. Sirius sucked the head in while he kept the eye contact. Remus’s mouth opened a little while Sirius suckled on the most sensitive part of him, hollowed his cheeks artfully and let sexy, wet little noises get through. He knew he looked good like this. Remus’s hips began to move.

Sirius gave him a last, sensual look before he bent further over, opened up properly and let the length slip all the way into his mouth, let it push down his clenching throat. He gagged and took it further in and Remus moaned and moaned and pushed his hips against Sirius’s face, put his hand on the back of Sirius’s head and held him down. 

It felt glorious to be so close to Remus, to have his dick all the way inside and to feel it thrum with hot blood, to feel tiny spurts of precum hitting the walls of his throat. Remus’s hips that had been moving rhythmically were now losing it, thrusts becoming irregular, and when Remus moaned in a tell-tale way Sirius pulled up just a little bit so that he only had cock in his mouth, not his throat. He wanted a taste, wanted Remus to come on his tongue where he could keep it for just a little while. Where he could sample it and savour it before he swallowed it down.

“Ahh…” Remus threw his head back as he came, his slender throat bared and his chest covered in a fine film of sweat. Sirius caught the release and caressed him with his tongue and all the while he watched his lover’s stomach clench and unclench for the whole duration of his climax. Finally, Remus sighed and let his head fall back on the pillows. He kept one hand by Sirius’s face, though.

Sirius let the dick flop out of his mouth and swirled his prize around in his mouth. Slimy and earthy and salty and savoury and more of Remus. Sirius loved the flavour almost as much as he loved what it was, that it was proof his lover had climaxed. That his lover had felt pleasure. He swallowed and took Remus’s slack hand, brought it to his mouth and kissed the back of it, then sucked on one of the fingers. More salt, more Remus. 

“Cheers, that was great,” Remus mumbled from the end of the bed. Sirius gave his thumb a final suck and crawled back up his body. It looked soft and amenable and a little sweaty. Sirius should probably put his pyjamas back on, he looked as if he was ready for bed now. Remus was odd that way, he didn’t usually want to sleep naked the way Sirius did.

“My pleasure,” Sirius replied truthfully and gave Remus’s chest a soft caress, his rosy little nipple a feel. then up along his entrancing neck he went. Remus was taking an unfortunate interest in Sirius holding his neck, cutting off his air, and Sirius just wanted to marvel at how pretty this part of his lover was. How fantastic the mechanics that kept Remus alive were.

“’M not made from glass, you know,” Remus said, and Sirius watched his sumptuous mouth twist into a smile. Remus’s eyes were still half-closed, beautiful fan of pale brown eyelashes fluttering. It had no doubt been a good orgasm.

“I know,” Sirius said. “You’re made from Remus.”

Remus’s eyes blinked open and he gave Sirius a shy look, as if he thought he had maybe been paid a compliment but wasn’t certain.

“Lovely skin,” Sirius continued, feeling more confident that Remus was in a better state of mind than before.

“We’re both lucky you think that,” Remus countered, but he didn’t sound defensive or critical, so Sirius didn’t admonish him for it. He traced a featherlight finger between the freckles on Remus’s neck instead, connected them into artful patterns that showed up as an artistic impression of his beautiful boyfriend on the canvas in his mind’s eye.

“I’ve always wanted to eat your freckles, you know.”

“Nutter,” Remus muttered, although he didn’t bother to hide his grin. 

“The way you taste turns me on. Makes me love you even more.”

“I love you too, but my body really shouldn’t merit the level of worship it gets from you, you know.”

Sirius spluttered angrily.

“I mean, have you seen yourself?” Remus continued mercilessly. “You’re the one with flawless skin, no imperfections except what you’ve inked on it yourself. And you’re the one with a glossy mane of hair, no grey in sight. And I think there might be holy books written on the subject of your eyes. Orchestral scores and hundred-page epics at the very least.”

“I already know I look good, you’re the one with too little self-esteem.”

Remus sighed but then he smiled a little anyway. He looked tired.

“Well, it is nice that you like what I’ve got. It’s not going to get any better, this body is what I’m stuck with. So I’m glad you want to love it.”

“I do love it,” Sirius said. “Always will. I love you.”

Remus’s smile got more carefree, but Sirius found his own mind growing more uneasy. Could he be sure that he was loving Remus the right way? What did he know, maybe he was doing it all wrong? This wasn’t something he could fake his way through with his usual extra helping of arrogance, this was too important, and he mustn’t fuck it up. Although, maybe…

“Let me hug you. You always melt a bit when I hold you.”

Remus grinned up at him, gave him a teasing slap for the borderline obnoxious self-confidence he expressed his statement with. Sirius relaxed, bundled his boyfriend up in his lap and held him, felt his boyfriend burrow into him. His whole belly was quickly filling with warm, fluttering things and he wondered if they lived inside of Remus’s belly, too.

“You feel safe when I hug you, don’t you?” 

Sirius wasn’t sure why he kept pressing for it, but he needed to know. Needed to know that hugging was the right thing to do when you were together with someone. Needed Remus to confirm it.

“I do,” Remus assured him, and there was something in his eyes, something a little too understanding. 

“I need to keep you safe.”

“I’m glad you feel that way.” Remus hesitated, his breathing comforting on Sirius’s neck. “It’s fine to ask. Hugging’s good, it releases good chemicals in your brain. The muggles are all over it, there’s long science papers written on it.”

“Same as the Department of Mysteries are doing?” Sirius asked curiously. “I heard a rumour that that’s what they’re actually up to. Researching love.”

“Yeah.”

“Good chemicals,” Sirius muttered into Remus’s hair. He drew breath in there, gorged himself on the smell of his lover. He could feel those chemicals, he thought, surely they were the ones that thrived in his stomach?

“You didn’t get the right physical contact when you were a child,” Remus said carefully. Sirius stilled. “Hugging is normal. Cuddling. Parents are supposed to hold their children because they love them. I remember how weird you were about physical contact when you were younger, but hugging is normal for all types of love. The love you have for a partner, and the love between friends, too.”

“I was never sure if I could love at all,” Sirius confessed reluctantly. “But I think I loved James from the start, and you and Peter as well.”

Remus placed a soft kiss on his neck, and Sirius had a startling moment of realization. Remus already knew this about him. Knew Sirius lacked the right frame of reference. Knew that he was muddling his way through this.

“You come from an abusive home and I don’t imagine they ever loved you the way they were supposed to. It seems to me you’ve picked and mixed a bit as you grew up.”

“Picked and mixed?”

“It took James years to teach you how to hug, but you got there in the end. Our Prongs is as loving as they get, as free with his love as anyone can get. He was adored at home, and I’m sure you saw that when you lived with the Potters. They’re free with hugs and words and generosity. He bought us all pints and weed, remains generous with money and compliments to this day. And Lily shows her love with food, doesn’t she? She makes a point of learning what each of us likes, bakes the right cake for everyone’s birthday, plies us with food when we’re there and gives us leftovers to bring home. It’s a gesture of love, too.”

Sirius swallowed uncomfortably and planted a few kisses in Remus’s hair. 

“I’ve told you how important it was to me to have my mother around before and after the full moon. You know how hurt I am because of the wolf. Becoming animagi for me, that was already love. But you go above and beyond nowadays with the ways you’re there for me. I have no idea why you’re so hung up on my inner organs, though, my heart and lungs and the rest of it. Unless it’s the same reason you keep reading up on motorcycle manuals, keep tinkering with your bike. James told me you took a weightlifting machine apart at the muggle gym because you needed to figure out how it works.”

Remus turned so that they were at eye-level. 

“You’re not damaged,” Remus said gently into his ear, “you’re perfectly capable of recognizing love. Copying it and using it the right way, even though you came from nothing. Well, almost nothing.”

Sirius sighed unhappily. 

“Your parents bought each other jewellery, didn’t they? Tokens of their love.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah. Can’t really see myself in a pearl necklace or with diamonds on my fingers. I like books, though. But you don’t have to buy me anything at all.”

“Okay.” 

Sirius kissed Remus’s mouth and felt their bodies unwind together, melt into each other. Maybe Remus would sleep naked with him tonight, he certainly seemed to be relaxed enough. Love conquers all.

He’d make sure to buy Remus some new books next time he went out. And maybe one on muggle chemistry for himself.


End file.
